"Make friends before you need them."

"Great dates never end on the front porch..."

"The only Relevance in my life is the relevance that I have in other people's lives."

"I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying..."

"I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary. "

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty."

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible..."

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up."

"My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. "

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. "

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. "